Author Archives: Paul Mascetta

Power Struggles With Hands

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Power Struggle

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Power struggles are waged every single day through the handshake

The double-handed handshake that we have just discussed is generally used to create an instant physical connection between two people. If you want a word to describe the goal, try “intimacy”. That’s right – intimacy can be forged through a handshake if the handshake is initiated properly.

Like other gestures in the large corpus of body language, the double handshake can be appropriated endlessly, depending on the goal.

While it is true that the double-handed handshake can be used to create a feeling of warmth and connection between two people, it can also be used to dominate and subordinate other people.

When one person tries to dominate the other through body language, a power struggle ensues. And one of the easiest ways to do that is through the different variations of the double-handed handshake:

  1. The wrist-hold handshake
  2. The elbow-grasp handshake
  3. The upper-arm grip handshake
  4. The shoulder-hold handshake

If you want to convey more control, the wrist-hold handshake can be used safely even when you are meeting someone for the first time. We should all remember that the double-handed handshake is actually a slight intrusion into another person’s personal space.

By extending the other hand to clasp another part of the person’s arm or hand, you are actually slightly pushing the boundaries by entering the other person’s private space. Since people only offer their hands when they shake hands with other people, going beyond the hand automatically means you are entering a private space already.

As such, the elbow-grasp handshake, shoulder-hold handshake and the upper-arm handshake should only be done if the other person really knows you and you are close to this person. Otherwise, you run the risk of annoying or potentially offending the other person when you do this.

Rule of Thumb: Don’t use a double-handed handshake if you have absolutely no connection to the person in front of you.

Three Handshakes You Should Avoid At All Costs

Some handshakes are worse than others. Welcome to the part of the book where we examine the handshakes that never contribute to a person’s credibility. First impressions last, and these handshakes create a lasting negative impression on people.

The Clammy Handshake (10% Credibility)

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The limp, clammy handshake never impresses

As we have mentioned before, no one likes the idea of shaking hands with a person who seems to have just finished washing the dishes. Sweat is a big turn down in the world of social graces and the handshake is too essential to be ruined by sweat.

A sweaty palm does not only appear unhygienic but it also signals something much worse: that the person with the clammy handshake has weak character. If you want to exude confidence, your handshake has to communicate that as well.

Important Note: the Clammy Handshake is considered disagreeable in most Western countries like the USA, Canada, etc. However, in some countries in Asia, a firm grip during a handshake is generally avoided because it can actually offend people.

So the best strategy when you are in a foreign country is to simply match the grip strength of the other person. Also, carry a handkerchief that you can use to wipe away sweat from your palms when you know full well that you are going to shake hands with important people.

The Tight Handshake (40% Credibility)

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A little too tight?

The tight handshake is usually done by two types of people: power players and people with low self-confidence. People with low self-confidence usually shake hands in this manner because they are often afraid that the other person might become too dominant.

The tight handshake is performed in this manner:

  1. The initiator offers a palm-down hand
  2. He takes the other hand and makes a downward pump once
  3. Three strong pumps are given before the initiator lets go of the other hand

The Wrench Handshake (0% Credibility)

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Who would want to shake hands with a wrench?

Handshakes are meant to transmit confidence and credibility – not pain. People who routinely use the Wrench Handshake should not be surprised that their handshake can actually draw blood if the other person has a ring on.

The Wrench Handshake is the choice weapon of the blindly aggressive individual who wants nothing more than to appear ‘on top’ of things wherever he is.

Unfortunately, this kind of handshake only causes shock and people who have had the misfortune of having to endure this type of handshake will only have a negative impression of the initiator.

People who like the Wrench Handshake will usually grab the other person’s hand without warning and grip it so tightly during the hand pump movement that the other person will have no chance at all to control the handshake.

If you’re a woman and you are about to meet a lot of businessmen, I suggest that you take off any ring that you might have on before shaking hands. You never know when an errant bone-crusher might come along to ruin your day with a senseless and awful handshake.

Since it would be quite difficult to control a sudden Wrench Handshake from someone you barely (or don’t) know, the one thing that you can do to is to respond to the bone-crushing grip with a statement like “That actually hurt. You have an awfully strong grip.”

Such statements are not on the offensive but it is strong enough to catch the attention of the errant hand-shaker. Your statement will serve as a warning so he will not repeat the awful handshake.

Strategies For Handshaking

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Reading handshakes is easy enough – but what if you find yourself in a situation that you would need to shake hands yourself? What would you do?

Body language mastery requires not only fervent practice through regular observation but also practical application of what you’ve learned so far. So if you can now tell a dominant handshake from a handshake that implies submissiveness, what can you do now to provide a benefit to yourself in social situations?

And so I came up with this special section that covers various strategies that you can use to achieve specific goals.

Establishing Rapport with Other People

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Establish rapport with an equalizing handshake

Rapport in simple terms is putting people at ease so that mutual trust can be established immediately. The easiest way to establish rapport is through mirroring. Mirroring can be done through a handshake by matching the strength of the other person’s handshake.

If the other person has a strong grip, you can compensate by increase your grip force as well. There’s nothing wrong with increasing the force of your grip because you are simply matching the other person’s handshake. It is also important to keep your hand as vertical as possible so that your hand will not end up under or on top of the other person’s hand.

In a rapport handshake, there is no dominant or submissive person – there is only a union of equals. If you have to shake hands with different people, you have to quickly measure the intensity/strength of different handshakes and adjust your handshake accordingly.

If you are a man, be extra careful when shaking the hand of the ladies. Anatomically speaking, men’s arms and hands were built for strength. An average man can exert a maximum grip force that can reach up to one hundred pounds if he needs to apply force. You would not want to exert such force on a woman’s soft and fragile hands.

The key here is to immediately measure the other person’s grip strength by using a scale of one to ten. If your handshake has an average strength of eight and the other person has a handshake strength of four, you must reduce your handshake strength a few points to match the other person’s handshake.

Defusing Power Play

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Don’t let power players win over you

If everyone liked the idea of equality among men, power plays would not occur at all. Unfortunately, power plays do happen and sometimes, it is hard to ignore when a person is consciously (or unconsciously) trying to put down other people even through handshakes.

The most common sign that another person was trying to dominate you through a handshake is the palm-down handshake. I know – the palm down handshake sounds rude, to begin with! It can be very rude indeed but some men like using it.

Usually, a power player comes in very quickly, thrusting out his hand. The hand can either be offered with palm completely facing the floor or the hand can be slightly facing the side.

The key characteristic of the palm down handshake is that angle of the palm is so awkward that the other person cannot possibly establish an equalizing handshake or dominant handshake without getting the attention of the power player or other people.

So if you meet someone who thrusts out a hand with palm facing downward, what can you do? Follow these steps:

If the person is shaking with his right hand, move your left leg close to the other person.

As your leg invades the power player’s personal space, thrust forward your right hand and clasp the palm-down hand.

Establish a dominant or equalizing handshake as you move your right leg forward. The right leg becomes the lead leg.

A little explanation about the three steps: when you invade another person’s personal space, any trusted hand automatically becomes weaker because the other person would be taken aback and instinctually, a rigid arm becomes less rigid as the other person becomes alert for any sudden movements.

When you move your leg toward the person, you invade his personal space and you are given an opportunity to reverse the roles. Instead of being the victim of the power play, you become the dominant individual because you suddenly gain the upper hand.

By moving your body in this manner, you are actually mimicking an arm wrestling competition – and the errant power player loses because you were able to think quickly.

The three steps should be done in succession, within a matter of seconds so the power player would not have any time to react at all. Once you have a firm clasp on the power player’s hand, perform the handshake and release his hand. Master reader 1, power player zero.

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The double handshake also defuses a power player

Now another technique that you can use to defuse a power player’s palm-down handshake is by using both hands to shake the other person’s hand. To do this handshake, simply grasp the power player’s hand and then proceed to cover the hand with your other hand as you shake.

There is an instant effect when you do this. Instead of showing you that he’s the boss, you are showing him that you have twice the authority because you can easily cover his palm-down hand when you perform a handshake.

There are times when a person just doesn’t know when to quit a bad habit. If you are about to shake the hand of a person who is known for his power plays, your very last option is the wrist clasp handshake.

Simply grab the top of the other person’s wrist and shake his hand quickly before letting go. As you shake the other person’s hand, note that you have to straighten the hand otherwise you will be forced into an awkward position as you perform the handshake.

This will send a massive shockwave through the power player’s system and he will most likely be stunned once the handshake has been carried. Don’t do this handshake if you are shaking the hand of your boss or someone who has a higher position than you.

Rule of Thumb: The best way to create a powerful handshake that would put you at a dominant or at least equal position with the other person is to offer your right hand first. Approaching from the left is also a good idea.

Important Note: Handshakes are important when meeting new people. Impressions of people are formed within the first four to five seconds and usually these first impressions become lasting impressions especially if the other person won’t be able to see you often.

When you shake hands often and your hands are usually sweaty, do yourself a favor and carry around a handkerchief so you can wipe your ‘shaking’ hand dry. No one likes the idea of shaking hands with a person with cold, sweaty hands. That can really ruin your chances of making a good first impression.

Exploring the Double-Handed Handshake

The double-handed handshake can disarm a power player because it is much more powerful than the palm-down handshake. This handshake is most often used in organizations and companies where people need to establish their rank or position early on when dealing with different people.

When initiated, a complete double-handed handshake is performed in this manner:

Eye contact is first established by the initiator.

The initiator clasps the other person’s hand firmly.

The initiator then places his other hand on top of the other person’s hand.

The handshake commences as the initiator says the other person’s name.

A generic salutation/question is given (i.e. “How are you doing?”)

There is a lot more physical contact when a double-handed handshake is given, compared to a regular handshake.

People of stature and genuine authority use this handshake to get people’s trust and confidence instantly. When this type of handshake is given, the initiator is actually saying that he should be trusted because he is open and sincere.

While this might sound great to someone who wants to appear as credible and trustworthy as possible whenever he meets new people, I should you warn you early on that the double-handed handshake can actually backfire on you if you don’t use it carefully.

Since this handshake requires a lot more contact than your usual handshake, people you barely know might take the handshake negatively. People might become suspicious of your actual intentions. A person who is virtually a stranger might ask himself: what is this other person up to?

So when can a person safely perform the double-handed handshake if he has positive intentions?

You can do this handshake safely if and only if you are at a social gathering where hugging is also common. For example, if you were invited to a class reunion and you see old classmates, you can probably use this handshake without appearing suspicious or overbearing.


Handshaking 101

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Contrary to what you may think, handshakes are not a modern invention. Tribes of olden times used it. The Romans used it. The Greeks used it. We use it today.

Simply put: the handshake has been there for as long as the human race remembers.

Since this gesture is not going away any time soon, we need to make sure that you understand the various nuances of this hand-pumping gesture. Back in the day, the Romans clasped the forearm whenever they wanted to greet someone.

There was a practical use for this somewhat odd gesture: people routinely checked if the other person was hiding a dagger or blade on his forearm. A single strong shake can help a person determine whether or not the other person is armed or not.

When the aristocracy rose and trade was booming, the handshake was transformed into a gesture that sealed business transactions. People shook hands when an agreement has been reached and goods/money was about to be traded between two or more people.

Some centuries ago, it was generally agreed that the handshake belonged to the male domain. But as the centuries wore on and cultural norms evolved, handshaking became part of the female domain as well. When this shift happened, everyone could shake hands whenever they wanted!

In modern times, the handshake is performed in the following conditions:

  1. When you meet someone new
  2. When you want to greet someone who has just arrived
  3. When someone is about leave, as a way of saying farewell
  4. When you need to greet several new individuals at a social gathering

You may be wondering: what about countries that are not descended from Western civilization? What about the other half of the world – the East?

I’m happy to report that although countries like Japan traditionally use different hand gestures and body movements to greet other people, foreigners can safely use the handshake when greeting and saying goodbye. This simply means that when you use the handshake elsewhere, you will not be committing any cultural faux pas at all.

Who Initiates the Shake?

In a perfect world with no social class, roles and hierarchies, we can all shake hands without fearing any repercussions. But we live in a not-so-ideal world and so we have to deal with all of these extraneous circumstances before we decide to shake hands.

Before you even shake hands with another person, consider first the following questions:

Are you really welcome in the place where you would be shaking hands?

Is the other person truly willing to shake hands with you or is he in a position that he cannot refuse to shake your hands?

Is it proper for me to shake hands first with this person, considering his position and stature?

Power and the Handshake

Handshakes are used to greet and bid people farewell – so they are by nature friendly… Right? Wrong. By nature, handshakes were meant to transmit a person’s stature and positionality within a given context or situation. Although handshakes are still considered friendly (generally), it doesn’t mean that handshakes are always equalizing.

Three types of messages can be transmitted through a handshake:

1. Superiority or dominance

2. Submission to the other person

3. Equality among peers

When a person gives a dominant handshake, the other person will choose to be cautious because you are openly showing authority or power. A powerful handshake will bring people into the defensive.

The submissive handshake on the other hand, will give the impression that you are of weak character and you can be dominated easily by other people. The third handshake (equalizing handshake) gives the other person a reason to trust you because you are neither weak nor strong – but an equal nevertheless.

Dominance

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The dominating handshake

A dominant handshake is characterized by the lead hand facing down on the other hand. You must come in from the left if you want to quickly establish a dominant handshake.

Firmly clasp the other person’s hand and shake. By shaking hands first and by placing your hand directly above the other person’s open palm, you are communicating dominance and authority. You are also communicating that it is your desire to take over the dialog, meeting, etc.

According to an independent research of over three hundred established executives in the United States, eighty-three percent of people who have a high position within a company or business choose to shake hands this way. As for the female respondents, thirty one percent still choose the dominant handshake even if the handshake itself projects masculinity.

In the same study, the researchers also discovered that although the dominant handshake was preferred by some women, a significant percentage of the female respondents chose not to appear dominant.

This was done to preserve the projection of femininity, which is traditionally associated with submissiveness. If the handshake was done in a friendlier setting (i.e. a club or bar), a softer handshake may have been appropriate since men are generally attracted to feminine women (because there are decidedly more dominant women who exhibit some masculine traits).

However, it should be noted that if you are a woman and you want to succeed in something that is business-related, you must use the dominant handshake because it equalizes the playing field for you.

It is not good at all to show people that you can be dominated in a business setting. You must always show that you are just as strong (or stronger) so people will take your words and ideas seriously.

Credibility is also highlighted by women who purposefully avoid clothing that implies that they are simply feminine women. For example, a woman who wishes to sell a big idea to a group of people would most likely fail to impress the bosses if she comes to a meeting in a very skimpy red skirt with matching glittery heels.

In a completely different study from researchers from the University of Alabama, researchers discovered that the dominant handshake was common in people who are generally extroverted (extroverts) while introverted and neurotic individuals (introverts) are more likely to show a more submissive handshake.

Rule of Thumb: Women should appear more dominant in business settings.

Submissiveness

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The handshake of submission

To the untrained eye, the dominant handshake and the submissive variation may look the same. But in reality, there is a world of difference between the two. With dominant handshake, the authoritative person reaches out first, which forces the other person to open his palm to receive the other hand.

The palms, which in ancient times is used to hold, use and conceal weapons, is considered a ‘vulnerable’ body part when it comes to shaking hands. That’s why a person who routinely just receives handshakes from people are more likely to be dominated by stronger personalities.

The submissive handshake allows the other person to clasp and shake the hand firmly. You can say that the hand on the left is submissive because most of the movement is coming from the right.

As we have discussed earlier, it is not enough for a person to base his analysis on the handshake alone. A submissive handshake does not automatically mean that the other person is truly submissive.

For example, a person who inflamed joints (gout) will rarely shake hands first because such individuals usually have sore finger joints. People who use their hands to earn a living would also avoid any hard hand-shaking for fear of damaging their most valuable tool.

And then there is the handshake of equal power. People of stature and individuals who have authority usually end up using an equalizing handshake. An equalizing handshake happens when both individuals try to dominate each other through the handshake. When two people try to perform the dominant handshake, the equalizing handshake manifests.

The equalizing handshake can be described as rigid and strong, because both individuals are trying to gain the upper hand. This handshake also tight, for the same reason.

When an equalizing handshake is made, both individuals become at ease with each other. Respect is immediately established because each would feel that the other is of equal stature and therefore, deserves mutual respect.

Palm Power: How To Reduce Resistance From Others With Your Hands

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The open palm is a powerful expressive tool that can be used to communicate effectively to individuals and groups. Just observe individuals who are under public scrutiny. Most of these individuals would have their hands hidden in their pant pockets or coat pockets.

That single gesture alone means that the individual does not want to talk at all. It is a barrier gesture that sends a powerful visual message instantly.

Body language is much more effective than words or vocal language because once a person sees a non-verbal message he understand instantly. There is no delay between the transmission of the non-verbal message and the reception of the same.

Now, because the “open hands” pose or open palm gesture is so strong, pathological liars and con artists usually use such gestures to get the trust of other people.

But again we have to emphasize that the open palm gesture can only convey sincerity and truthfulness if all other signals within a cluster are congruent with each other. There has to be a clear parallel between the bigger gesture and the micro-signals (i.e. lips, cheeks, eyes, eye brows, etc.)

Experience con artists can learn to control their emotions and body language so much that they appear sincere and believable even if they really aren’t. Be careful when dealing with such individuals – be alert and always read the “body speak” even when you are convinced that the other person is telling the truth.

Let’s say you want to appear more sincere than you are now. What should you do? Easy – use the “open palm” pose more often.

People know that a person who exposes his palms is not hiding anything. However, I must warn you that when you get into the habit of using your open palms all the time you need to make sure that you are ready to tell the truth every time.

You see, the mind-body connection is so strong that when we consciously choose gestures like the open-palm pose we automatically associate the gesture with telling the truth. It’s a basic “cause and effect” relationship that the mind makes with the body language that we consciously choose to use. So again, be careful when you choose this particular strategy.

Body language has strong linkages to the way we express our emotions. Whether you are feeling happy, sad or defensive right now, there is a gesture or movement that will express what you are truly feeling.
That is the reason why it is extra difficult to tell a lie if you keep your hands open and exposed. Your body will react to the emotion and thoughts that you have as you perform the open hand gesture. Since physical responses to emotions are hard-wired, it’s pretty difficult to counter what comes instinctually to people.

Commands and Palm Gestures

Palm up

Palm down, fingers pointed

Palm down

It is very common for people to use their hands when they are trying to instruct or command someone to do something. There are three main gestures involved when a command is being given to another person:

The palm up gesture

The palm down gesture

The palm down, fingers pointed gesture

Let’s discuss the differences between these three gestures. The first one is the “palm up” gesture. A person who is making these gestures can be communicating any of the following:

I am pointing at the relevant item or location.

I am asking you to listen.

I am ready to listen to you.

I want to listen to you.

I am making a non-threatening request right now.

I am passing on important yet non-urgent instructions

I am politely ordering you to do something

The palm-up gesture may have different effects on people but mainly, this gesture means you are equalizing the playing field and you are not resorting to your position or role to get what you want.

People who see such a gesture will not normally feel that they are being threatened with the command and order and as such, the resistance to perform the desired action is minimized or completely eliminated.

The palm-down gesture on the other hand, immediately creates a power struggle between two individuals because this gesture signifies power. The downward movement (which naturally follows a palm down position) means you are directly commanding the other person to follow what you have just said.

If you used this gesture in an office environment and you gave the request or command to a fellow office worker who is of the same level as you, expect some degree of animosity to erupt between the two of you because you are telling the other person that you are superior to him as you do the gesture.

The third gesture (the palm down, fingers closed and pointed) is the most aggressive and dominant gesture of all.

The third gesture should only be used if you are really addressing subordinates who report directly to you and you will not suffer from any backlash by performing a direct power play on a person or group while you were given orders or instructions.

The third gesture is a little off limits because the movement generated by this pose is reminiscent of a weapon beating down on someone.

If you close fingers tightly as you give someone instructions, the tendency is for your entire arm to stiffen as you move your hand back and forth. This really creates the illusion that you are beating with something and therefore, you should be listened to.

Palm positions can also reveal the power play within a relationship. Traditionally, males are seen as the ‘de facto’ leaders in relationships. But we know this isn’t true. It’s different from couple to couple. Some couples have the woman at the lead while some couples have males at the lead.

You can easily see who is in charge when you check out how a couple walks in public. The ‘boss’ in the relationship will usually be walking first, followed by the more submissive partner.

The more dominant one in the relationship will have his palms facing the other partner while the other partner’s palm will be facing the dominant one’s palm. There will be a hand clasp involved, but still, the submissive partner’s hand will be ‘under’ the dominant one’s hand.

Side-oriented pointed finger

Bottom-oriented pointed finger

A fourth gesture exists: the pointed finger. There are two variations of the pointed finger. One is made with the palm partially exposed at the side. This gesture resembles a gun and when you make this gesture, it is as if you were ‘shooting’ orders at someone.

When you make this gesture, it is obvious that you want to subordinate the other person to follow what you want. Expect some animosity and resistance if you habitually use such a gesture.

The second variation of the pointed finger utilizes a palm-down position instead. The thumb is tucked in and the focal point of this gesture is the rigid, pointing index finger. The second variation of the pointed finger is much more offensive and aggressive than the first variation so never use it if you want a more harmonious relationship with people!

In some countries in Southeast Asia, using the index finger when talking to someone is considered a massive insult and you can easily incur the ire of some people as pointing itself is only used for inanimate objects and animals. Be careful with your habitual hand gestures when travelling to other countries!

Rule of Thumb: When giving commands or instructions, use an open palm together with gentle movements.

In a study that focused on audience feedback, a lecturer was asked to deliver just one lecture to three different groups of people. The only thing that changed when each of the three lectures was delivered was the hand gestures that were used during the lecture.

As expected, the palm up gesture was the most effective in grabbing the attention and trust of the audience. Eighty-five percent of individuals from the ‘palms up’ group reported that they liked the lecture.

In the second group, the lecturer reported the same lecture but he used the palms down gesture instead. The positive reports from the audience dropped to just fifty two percent positive reports.

In the third and final group, the lecturer predominantly used the pointed finger while he was delivering the lecture.

As expected, the crowd really despised the lecture. Only twenty three percent of the audience thought that it was a good lecture. In addition to this poor ‘report card’ some members of the audience had enough early on and left the lecture hall completely.

Using the pointed finger when talking to people can also reduce message retention. Since people are automatically on the alert when they see a pointed finger, they will focus more on the gesture than the message.

Instead of using the offensive gesture, why not opt for the ideal pose (the palm up gesture) or at least acceptable pose (the palm down gesture)? It takes time to develop a new body language-related habit, but it is possible. The trick is to watch your hands even for a few seconds just before you speak to check if your fingers are pointing again.

If your fingers are indeed pointing, just correct your gesture and move forward. People don’t usually mind when a person points a few times during a conversation. Pointing gestures can sometimes be helpful if you want to drive home an extremely important point or if you want to show that you are agitated about something. But don’t overdo it!

By correcting your hand gestures during a conversation, you can expect the following to happen:

People will be more open to your ideas.

Resistance to your ideas will be reduced.

You will actively contribute to a more relaxed and productive environment.

People will look at you as a credible speaker.

People will appreciate the way you talk to people.

What should you do if you want to appear authoritative when you are talking?

A good option if you want to appear authoritative (without incurring the ire of your audience) is to simply squeeze your index finger with your thumb. When you do this, all your other fingers are loosely closed and only your thumb and index finger are firm.

People who see this gesture think that they should listen to the speaker because he exudes confidence and authority – the good kind. The gesture is somewhat authoritarian in nature but it does not compare at all to the pointed finger.

Dealing With Dissonance

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The mind’s ability to detect dissonance or incongruence may be our best tool when dealing with people of all sorts. When we communicate with other people, we always want to watch out for our own interests and the easiest way to do that is to avoid trickery or lies.

Of course, no one would tell you outright that he is lying or he is trying to deceive you in any way. No one would do that for you – and no one has to do that for you because you have your critical faculty and the reptilian complex at your disposal.

The human mind can detect dissonance at various conscious (and unconscious) levels. For example, let’s say that you have just learned that there is going to be a massive lay-off in your company because of management restructuring.

Around the same time that you have learned of this development, you were invited to a company party where all the employees are going to be drinking and enjoying themselves for a few hours. From the moment that you received the invitation to the company event you felt that something was really amiss.

Conflicting thoughts and emotions swirl in your mind and you may even feel suspicious about the invitation (even if the company party has been planned months before the news that there was going to be a massive lay-off in the company).

When you attend the company party, you see happy faces and people that you know. You smile and enjoy yourself like everybody else, but at the back of your mind, you are not fully convinced of the authenticity or genuineness of party.

What was the management up to? Why were the bosses throwing a party even if there was going to be a massive lay-off? At one point in the party, the dissonance starts to dissolve just a little bit.

You want to feel hopeful and some of the joy of the party starts rubbing off on you and you think once or twice that maybe the news wasn’t true and maybe something good was heading your way in the company. You feel hopeful, but there is dissonance.

Despite the dissonance, you feel hopeful… But why? The key element in this type of situation is manipulation. There is manipulation involved and when there is manipulation, there is always a desired feedback and outcome.

When the company throws a party it is trying to send a persuasive message to the people involved in the party. This message is hopefully understood and accepted by people, despite apprehensions and anxieties.

This is how non-verbal messages can be used to turn the tables even in the face of hard facts. And in the grand scheme of things, the ones who can use non-verbal persuasion to their advantage each and every time are the ones who emerge victorious, always.

When people rationalize, they are legitimizing their own point of view of something and they are resisting change

Now let’s move on to something equally important – something you have to learn carefully if you want to be really persuasive whenever you want to speak to someone face to face: people tend to process logical and illogical in such a way that everything would eventually align with their own biases and beliefs.

What does this mean? Well, people are prone to creating excuses to benefit themselves. Excuses aren’t ‘just’ excuses. Excuses are actually the end-products of people’s rationalizations about specific situations and outcomes. Why do people make excuses?

Usually, people resort to excuses because they don’t want to adapt another behavior or they don’t want to change an existing behavior. It is always easier to rationalize something as opposed to changing an existing behavior.

When a person rationalizes, he creates a space for the old behavior. When a person makes an excuse for something, he is really saying that he wants to maintain the old behavior because it simply works for him.

A person in effect legitimizes something and shows his resistance to change. Why is this so important to our study of human communication? Well, if we would go back to the communication cycle itself, we would see that a persuasive message essentially wants to achieve just one thing – change.

That’s it – we want someone to change for us because we want a particular outcome to emerge from the conversation or exchange. Persuasion and influence would be impossible if the other person was completely resistant to change.

Right now, I’m telling you that people are essentially resistant to change itself and a person would actually exert a lot of effort just to counter change itself.

Even the threat of change is usually countered with full force because humans have learned over time that in order to survive, a status quo has to be preserved. Preservation entails order and stability. Change is viewed as the antithesis of stability and order.

When something is changing and when this change is constant and continuous, the present order is disturbed and stability is removed from the equation. Thousands of years ago, instability usually meant migration from one place to another.

Change also meant that there might not be enough resources in a particular area to sustain family units that are living there. And so over time, humans have associated change with the tragedy or disaster. This kind of thinking has become part of the instinctual mindset of mankind.

So whenever a person is confronted with the possibility of change, he reacts negatively to that possibility not because he is being a pain but because people were designed to think in such a way.

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So if we were to combine all this knowledge now, what are the implications of change or loss of stability when we try to persuade someone? How must a person communicate if he wants to introduce change even if people were designed to resist change in the first place?

In order to answer these questions, we have to simulate a situation where a person was trying to introduce a particular change but was unable to do so because of the distortion of his message.

Here’s the hypothetical situation: let’s say that Person B was trying to convince a whole room of people that they should invest their money into Company B because this company has been experiencing a lot of success in the past year and all economic markers point to the positive.

Unfortunately, Person B was trying to say “Company B is doing excellent!” but his body language was actually saying “Company B is secretly already in ruins, stay away!”.

People were naturally keen to discover the truth and the dissonance between what he was saying verbally and what he was stating non-verbally was enough to convince people not to listen to him. Person B completely lost his audience because he was unable to convince the room that Company B was indeed worth their time and effort.

Now let us examine what just happened in the hypothetical situation. Why didn’t the people in the room just believe Person B even if he was saying outright that Company B was doing extremely well? Why weren’t the people swayed by all the statistics and pie charts presented by Person B? The problem boils down to dissonance.

Person B wanted people to believe in him and he wanted to introduce change (i.e. investing in Company B instead of other companies). Since there is a natural resistance to change, people needed to see and hear that everything was indeed true.

As much as people wanted to see facts and figures, the audience also wanted to see confidence, conviction and genuineness in the speaker, because he was the only ‘live marker’ in the room. He was the fountain of information and people expected more of him.

People weren’t expecting more statistics and such, the audience wanted to see congruence in what his body language and what his verbal language was transmitting. Any incongruence between the two channels of communication will easily convince people that the speaker is not telling the whole truth.

People would become even more resistant to the message of change because their internal alarm systems have gone off because of the dissonance between the verbal language and the non-verbal language being used by the speaker.

When you think about it, so much is really at stake when we communicate to people. We can’t expect people to convince themselves to change.

Speakers need to convince people, period. Speakers need to deliver both content and non-verbal cues that will prevent people from being resistant to what is being said in the first place.

Influencing The Leader

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Influencing the leader will be the most challenging of all decision makers.  In reality, you can't even influence them.  You can only influence them to influence themselves.  The only two things that you can use to do so are time and fear.  You need time, because leaders work at their own pace and will not be rushed by anyone.  And you need to reduce their fear as much as possible in order for them to take action.  Here are the key steps to doing so.

Never try to force a leader into doing something.  You could be giving a leader the best advice possible, but if they feel for a moment that you have a hidden agenda, they will become combative and defensive.  They will relentlessly begin questioning you.  When this happens it's best to gain your composure and stay patient.  Never become defensive or take things personally.  You have to see leaders for what they are- people primarily driven by fear.  This fear can sometimes transform into the complete terror of making a bad decision.

The key to dealing with a leader is to not let your emotions take hold of you.  Remain calm and reassure them.  If you can effectively silence their fears, you'll gain compliance from them.  The challenge is that in their mind the fears don't exist.  A leader will never want to admit to anyone else or to themselves that they are afraid of anything.  So they will often put off making a fearful decision by asking for additional information, when in reality, they might not even look at the information that they asked for.  If you sense that a leader is simply procrastinating when he or she is asking you for additional information, it's important to provide the information anyway.  Every time you respond to one of their requests, you actually reduce their fear slightly without actually calling them out on it.

During your presentation with a leader, be prepared for long intervals of silence as they often become very self-absorbed.  In meetings the key to influencing a leader is having a presentation that is linear and very well structured.  While they enjoy details, they only take them seriously if they feel they are being presented from someone who is an expert at what they do.  When you present data, it must be combined with discipline, authority, strength, power and command.  They admire and are open to approaches that are very straightforward and exude confidence.

In the end, the leader’s decision to comply will come from within.  Therefore, as I said earlier, you can't really influence them per se.  You can influence them to influence themselves.  The key to it is to always let them feel as though they are in control.  Their decisions must come from their thoughts and opinions rather than yours.  Think of it this way- when dealing with a leader, your job is not to sell.  Instead, it's to give them the opportunity to make a purchase.  Your best course of action is to give them everything they need to make a decision and supply them with what they asked for.  Then you can sit back while they influence themselves to take action.  This allows the leader take ownership over the idea, which is what they want more than anything else.

Some years ago, I had a business partner who was a leader who was obsessed with control.  I needed a certain amount of help from him, and I knew that if I got this help it would improve my financial situation drastically.  The problem is that I also knew that he wouldn't be willing to give it to me, because in his mind, the financial gain that I would receive would be something that he feared.  You see a leader always likes to feel like he or she is in a better position than those surrounding him or her.  Therefore, the thought of him giving me something that would possibly make me more money than him was something that he wasn't comfortable with.  Rather than asking him for what I needed, I asked him how he thought I could make more money with my business.  In his mind, I was calling on him for his expertise and good judgment.  He willingly complied, and gave me what I needed as a result.  My income doubled that year.

Because leaders often take an extremely long time to make decisions, a good tactic is to give them a deadline that is controlled by an external factor rather than you, This is where you create urgency to circumstances beyond your control so that you are not perceived as the bad guy.

For example, when I was selling gym memberships, the object of the game was always to get the person to join on that day.  Initially, we have something called the first.  This is an incentive, which meant that you would save money if you joined on your first visit to the club.  Oftentimes people would say, “Well, what if I come back tomorrow.  You won't give me the discount?”  This makes you appear as someone that doesn't want to do business with them.  So I began to change my presentation and say that the sale ended on that day, or that there were only a limited amount of memberships left.  This creates the same urgency and gives the same deadline; only it doesn't position me as the person who's in control of that deadline.  Therefore, I can’t make any adjustments to it.  They must act that day if they want the best deal possible.

You must also know your bottom line when dealing with a leader, as they will often try to push the limits as far as they can get them.   Never rush the leader, as you will only make them defensive and resistant to being influenced.

Influencing The Skeptic

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You may think that influencing skeptics would be extremely difficult, because they don't value any sort of opinions or information that are not congruent to their outlook on life.  But the good thing about influencing the skeptic is that there is little left to the imagination and not very much guesswork involved.  You don't have to spend time trying to figure out what the skeptic is thinking about, because they're going to tell you straight to your face.  The key to influencing skeptics is to get them to place extreme value on the source of the data that is being used to influence them.  Once they can place a value on that data, they will make their decision very quickly and not procrastinate.  That's why it's extremely important to establish credibility as soon as possible.  If the skeptic has no idea about you or what you've done, try to seek an endorsement from someone that they already view as credible.  This will make things a lot easier for you.

Skeptics are suspicious by nature, and tend to distrust most things that they come across unless, of course, they've decided that the source of the information is credible or similar to them.  Name brands, proven track records, and known leaders in any area are things that skeptics view as credible.

If you don't fit any of these criteria just yet, you must leverage the credibility of someone else that the skeptic trusts.  Realize though that this tactic only gets you in the door.  Once you are there, you still must earn the credibility needed to influence the skeptic.  They will often do this by challenging you and asking you a lot of questions, so you should be prepared to answer them.  This is nothing more than a test that skeptics perform to see whether or not they should believe anything that you have to say.

What's interesting, though, is that when they are questioning you, they're looking for reasons to not trust you.  If they can't find them then you will begin to appear credible to them. With the skeptic, you start out with nothing.  Through your ability to answer their questions and provide them with what they need to take you seriously, you begin to gain credibility.  Skeptics trust no one without a proven track record.

The good news is that once you do establish credibility with a skeptic, everything else is much easier.  Skeptics only let certain people into their inner circle, but once they are there, everything is different.  They will then listen and trust most of what you have to say and make decisions very quickly.

You have to be able to stand up for yourself.  But realize first that you can't change the skeptic’s paradigm or outlook on life.  It is part of their human nature to not trust or except things at face value.  That is why they challenge and question everything that they come across.  They don't do this maliciously; they are just difficult people by nature.  It's not your place to change that and you shouldn’t want to.  Instead, accept it for what it is and influence accordingly.

Make no mistake; you are going to encounter very challenging situations with skeptics.  But part of being a master of influence is realizing the type of person that you're dealing with and adjusting your presentation accordingly.  It's easy to get frustrated upset or mad and want to walk away, but that's not what influence is about.  Influence is about gaining compliance from anyone.  Just as each person is different, every approach will be different.  Realize that adjusting your presentation is just part of the game.

You must always appear as an expert in whatever it is that you are influencing someone to do.  To become an expert, you must have the desire to want to learn.  Once you do learn and once you gain a level of expertise that you desire, remember that you know more about the topic at hand then the skeptic that you're trying to persuade.  Remain confident and trust in your ability even when the skeptic challenges it.

Aside from being naturally suspicious, skeptics also tend to be very rebellious people.  You should know before going into a meeting with the skeptic that all of the events that take place should go according to when they want them to take place.  This makes them feel as though they are in control, which will lower their defense mechanisms slightly.

Another challenge with skeptics is the fact that they can often go off track and skip from one subject to the next, making it difficult to follow their train of thought.  This can be frustrating, and it could cause you to want to feel as though it's not even worth your time dealing with this type of a person.  But again, if you want to become a master of influence, you need to understand that each person brings with him or herself a different set of challenges and there is always a way to overcome them.  When a skeptic starts jumping from one subject to the next, simply have the person slow down and start over again.  You could say something like.  “I'm not sure if I understood what you're saying, let's go back to what you initially said about….”

It’s especially important to not reciprocate with a combative nature.  When dealing with the skeptic, the best thing that you can do is control your emotions and your ego.  When you become confrontational with skeptics, it only makes them more aggressive, because they tend to defend their egos.  When they are in a state of defense, skeptics become difficult to influence.  When they feel like they are in control, they become relaxed, making them more susceptible to influence.

By the same token, a skeptic will not respect you if you back down easily.  They feel that if someone is correct about something, they should defend their opinion.  So when you don't defend your opinion, it makes you appear as not credible.  That's why it's extremely important to defend your point, but do so in a way that is non-combative.  Never fight fire with fire or act aggressively.  Instead, just be confident when responding to the intense questioning.  When you can stay in your ground and respond with factual information, your credibility continues to increase in the eyes of the skeptic.

As stated earlier, establishing credibility ASAP is essential towards influencing the skeptic. What’s interesting is that even if you have a proven track record or a publicly respected reputation for your expertise, earning the skeptic’s trust can still be challenging. If you assume that the skeptic will take what you have to say at face value simply because of your accomplishments, you are making a false assumption.

Always be sure to point out where you are getting the information that supports your case to the skeptic, as that holds more weight with them than the actual information itself.  Data that was obtained from a credible source will open up a skeptic’s mind to influence more than just about anything else.

While influencing skeptics can feel like a daunting task with no sign of achievement because of their strong personalities and aggressive approaches to getting their point across, it doesn’t mean that they cannot be persuaded and led to a decision just like anyone else.

Realize this fact- every time skeptics question or challenge something, it’s because they are trying to figure out how or why they might change their frame of thought.  You will eventually succeed in influencing them, you just need to be patient, answer every single question and let them take ownership over the decision.

Exploring Stereotypes

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According to social scientists, people cannot help but learn about stereotypes because these prototypes are in the very culture of every country.

Every country has its own set of simple and complex stereotypes and gradually, these stereotypes are passed on to the next generation through institutions like the press and the family. Social exposure is a key factor when it comes to learning stereotypes.

A person would only be able to use a stereotype when processing information if he has learned about the stereotype. If not, he will create his own stereotypes based on subjective experience.

Social class also plays a role in the learning and propagation of stereotypes. While there will be similarities in some broad social categories, there will be differences in the stereotypes used by people from low-income earning families and people who have been brought up in the wealthiest parts of the city.

Social groups propagate stereotypes and different social groups will propagate different stereotypes. And this is when it can get messy. Because of the variations of stereotypes spread across an uneven national population, a bias called the illusory correlation emerges.

Illusory correlation is actually a kind of belief that two or more factors or variables are connected when in objective reality, the variables in question have no real association or connection. What is the implication of illusory correlations?

Well, according to some foundational studies, it appears that people were more likely to assign negative attributes to minority groups. By minority groups we refer to social groups or categories that are rarely visible and therefore, are almost never in the consciousness of people.

Visibility of a social category is equivalent to immediate informational availability and if a social category is not clearly visible unless there is a cue, then people would more likely assign negative traits to the group if they were given a chance to assign positive traits and negative traits to a majority group (a social category that was highly recognizable) and a minority group (a little known social category).

It is important to note that illusory correlations rarely produce accurate representations or inferences.

For example, if you were invited to attend two book launches, you would most likely attend the book launch of your favorite author and you will just discard the other author’s invitation and regard him as being ‘one of the lesser authors of this century’ even if the author has no real connection to other authors in the past one hundred years.

In this situation, hard facts are rarely sought out by people. When a person has already made an illusory correlation, there is no further motivation to verify the illusory correlation. Illusory correlations usually come about when a person uses representativeness heuristics to analyze a situation.

Because highly available information is used, people will use prototypes and whatever doesn’t fit in with majority group will be relegated to a minor group and will be assigned traits that seem to be incongruent with the majority group.

Minority groups and majority groups are almost always binary opposites. If one group of is good, the other has to be bad, one way or another.

The Availability Heuristic

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While the representative heuristic is used to analyze people’s behavior, the availability heuristic is more frequently used to determine whether or not an event is likely to happen based on available information about similar events.

The availability heuristic is intimately associated with informational accessibility or the degree at which a person can easily recall a situation or event from his own memory. The big difference between the availability heuristic and informational accessibility is that there is a subjective participation when one uses the availability heuristic.

For example, the concept of cookies is easily accessible for most people but that does not mean that a person would be constantly recalling his subjective experiences about cookies. The only time that the information becomes part of s heuristic would be when a person has to recall something related to cookies when he has to make a decision related to cookies.

The availability heuristic in situations where we feel anxious about doing something because we have read or heard about something similar. For example, if there are a string of muggings in your area, you would have a natural fear to go out alone at night because of the stories that you hear from your neighbors.

Because of the high accessibility of related information (i.e. stories about the muggings), you are led to believe that you should not go out at night alone because you might be mugged, too.

False Consensus Effect

The false consensus effect is a specific bias that usually results from the use of the availability heuristic. The false consensus effect points to the tendency of some people to exaggerate the validity of their own opinion by thinking that the majority of those around them will have the same opinion.

There is no way to measure whether or not the majority of the population will agree with a person and therefore, the false consensus effect will never generate anything that is truly objective/neutral or statistics-based. People just think that other agree with them. For example, if you ask someone if he likes a particular restaurant, his train of thought would be something like:

  1. “Yes, I like that restaurant it serves really good food at really great prices.”
  2. “I think other people like this restaurant, too”
  3. “9 out of 10, people around this area will choose this restaurant over other restaurants.”

As you can see, a person who has a false consensus effect will defend his positive or negative statement about something by citing false consensus, regardless of what other people actually think or feel about something.

The false consensus effect is quite common among people because long standing beliefs are easily pulled from the conscious memory. Strongly held beliefs are tied integrally to our own behaviors and tendencies and therefore, our judgment of other people’s appearance, behavior, credibility, etc., are partially influenced by our own behavioral biases.

The Mind Channel

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Is there a ‘secret’ to reading body language?

There is: whenever you have to read the body language of another person, pay attention to how he moves and gesticulates but at the same time, you need to tie that up with what he is actually saying.

Obviously, no real communication can take place if you ignore the other person’s actual words so you still have to pay attention to his verbal language.

Non-verbal language is important but we have to take into account that during face-to-face dialogs, people may show body language that contrasts what they are actually saying.

For example, if a person says “I’m really happy to see you!” but his face and arms are sending off a negative message, it may mean several things:

The other person is not really happy to see you.

The other person has just talked to someone that he did not like.

The other person has just received news that made him unhappy.

The other person is in a bad mood

The other person might look sour as a habit and the body language may be a default preference for that person.

Rule of Thumb: Reading body language will allow you determine whether the other person is being truthful or not. Reading body language is a way validating the other person’s verbal and vocal communication.

Perceptiveness Defined

When a person is called “intuitive”, what does this intuitive person have that others don’t?

Intuitiveness or perceptiveness is actually the ability of a person to read and understand body language. An intuitive person will listen closely to what another person is saying but at the same time, the intuitive person will also pay attention to the other person’s body language.

Perceptive individuals are capable of ‘reading between the lines’ by analyzing all three levels of human communication: verbal, vocal and non-verbal. Some people just pay attention to verbal and vocal, while disregarding non-verbal. That’s like throwing away 70% of the total message!

Between the two sexes, scientists believe that women are naturally more perceptive than males.

This doesn’t mean that men can’t be perceptive, too. But as far as Western culture goes, women are expected to be more sensitive than men, so there is also a cultural component.

Regardless of this cultural component, both men and women should learn to be more intuitive because this has a massive positive impact on a person’s ability to truly understand other people and respond to other people’s needs.

What does an intuitive person look for when he talks to another person?

Simple: an intuitive person is interested in congruence more than anything. If the other person is saying that he is extremely happy, the body language should also show that he is extremely happy.

If the other person’s body language expresses something else then the intuitive person will see that immediately.

The incongruence between verbal language and non-verbal language is a trigger that makes the intuitive person more alert to what the other person is saying.

The intuitive person then starts analyzing why the other person is not sending out congruent signals. Is the other person actually lying?

Is he trying to cover something up? Is he trying to communicate something else? These are the questions that continually come to mind when a person when a person is naturally perceptive.

Perceptiveness may come naturally to some people but this doesn’t mean it cannot be learned. Like any other skill, being perceptive takes time and practice to master and eventually, you too can be as perceptive as you want when you are talking to people face to face.

When a person is perceptive, he knows how to observe his audience for signs that his message is not producing the speaker’s desired results (i.e. persuasion). Once a perceptive speaker begins noticing key signs that his message is ineffective, he must change what he is doing right now to avoid sliding down into complete ineffectiveness.

Perceptive people can still become ineffective speakers. But the big difference here is that when a person is perceptive he will be able to determine at the outset if something is amiss.

Once he is able to do this, he can change what he’s doing so he will become effective. A person who does not know much about people’s body language would most likely continue what he is doing, even if what he is doing right now is not producing the desired results.